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Ramblings of an Idiot
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Prytania's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, April 13th, 2014
3:22 am
Emerging From the Rabbit Hole
So weird to find this journal and read my thoughts from the past. I started this thing 13 years ago and I can't believe the site is even still here. Life with my children, my ex(s), lovers, friends, work.....some of the people and places I don't even remember. 27 when I started this, and now here I am at 40. My life is much less dramatic, although now my eldest children are now going through the beginning glimpses of their dramas. My son is a Marine currently on a joint mission with the Navy who's been gone for almost a year and is now returning to his wife and two children next week. My oldest daughter began her journey and lived in Nevada for a time in a tumultuous relationship and is now living temporarily in my garage until she gets her diploma. (She's a Super Senior). Cleo is now pregnant with her first child and it's been a wild and crazy ride with her. After four years of sheer hell, she'll be turning 18 shortly and will be moving on with her life, child and boyfriend as well.

I just read an entry where my 10 year old son scared me at 4am while I was coming out of the bathroom while I was pregnant with Kira.....who coincidentally.....is 10 now. And Kenzi is the new addition, 4 years old now and is, I firmly believe, a child from the deepest, wildest, darkest forests of the jungle come to live in society. Straight out of Jungle Book.

And there is me. Still me. Still trying to figure out who I am. We really only gain a little bit of knowledge along the way. Although I'm not as rash as I was in these past entries over the years.....inside I'm still the person that wrote all of those entries. I recognize myself here. And now that everyone has moved onto Facebook, I'm feeling a certain level of comfort in coming back here. My oasis in the desert. It was a dream that I was ever here, and it feels like a dream that I am back.

I'm glad I found you again. I must remember how to write to myself again here. We're so involved in single sentence entries and brief texts, I don't know if I know how to speak/write anymore. I think I need this though.

It's good to see you LJ. I'm glad you didn't forget me.

Current Mood: contemplative
Sunday, August 6th, 2006
3:09 pm
What I like about LJ, is that there remains a certain amount of anonymity that you can't find with other sites, such as My Space. I found my children's names on the site and was suprised to find that I'm the mother of a 23 year old, 16 year old & 15 year old. To my knowledge all my kids are much younger than that.

I remember wanting to be 15. I remember wanting to be 20. 25. 6. And now? Now, I'm just me.

I've fought so hard to be alone. And now what? My biggest obstacle is finding out what it is I want. It seems so far that all I want to do is smoke. One after another. What do I find in my blue haze? Smokescreen.

In a world with so many people it's easy to be alone. But what does it accomplish? Why do I need to find out who I am when it's so easy to be anyone. I can. be. anyone. I've done it all my life. Only to find...that I am no-one.

I want everyone to like me, but I don't want anyone. I want to be accepted, yet for what? Whose acceptance am I looking for? My mother? Perhaps. Father? Perhaps not. Boyfriends? Lovers? Husbands? I've had them all...and in the end, I only wanted me. My children. Love.

I've found I don't need religion. I don't need acceptance. I don't need company. Just love. And I have that. So now what?

Where's my lighter?
Tuesday, January 24th, 2006
5:15 pm
Weebles Wobble But They Don't Fall Down
It takes a lifetime to break the cycles. If only it were as easy as hitting the "install new upgrades" button. I haven't learned anything new, have only re-discovered the old. Trading old for new, only to realize its all the same.

Standing at the bus stop with an old, old, very old asian couple and a young hispanic woman with a newborn cradled in her lap. The fighting Irish looms over China with disdain lamenting of lands lost. "THIS IS MY LAND YOU ANTI-CHRIST, GO BACK TO YOUR OWN COUNTRY". Who was he and where does he think he is? Standing under the shadow of the 51, making the decision that if he comes back to disturb the melting pot I will have to make the conscious choice of smacking him upside the head with my bag of anti-pespirant, dish-soap and toilet paper; the crowd looks to me for direction. I can only shake my head and roll my eyes, advising them he is deranged in a calm & decisive manner. Everyone nods their heads and casts furtive glances around the corner where he has disappeared. We can still hear him chanting obscenities in his false Irish accent. This is not your land you buffoon. My heart leaks pity for a world in which no one is there to help those that are in need, and bursts with laughter at three adults in various stages of life looking to me as the possible saviour.

My glasses are in pieces. Perhaps if I blow the smoke of my Camel's on them it will temporarily keep them together as it does for me. If only in my mind. But what else is there? My perceptions are my reality.

Thirty-two. I am not the crone. I am the mother.
Saturday, July 16th, 2005
10:39 pm
Sometimes The Sisters of Mercy are the only thing that can click my soul into place. Music can do that for me. Like a Barbie fashion plate. I have different outfits (genres) that can be clicked into place. I think the heat is setting in. My fan is merely dispersing the heat ripples. I think of women of the plains. Those pre-colonial women in their petticoats, bonnets and heavy canvas dresses lugging wooden pails of water around. Maybe to heat up water to wash clothes, or take a bath. I wouldn't have been able to cut it. It must have been hell for whorehouse women in that era as well. Well, I suppose in any era, but still, drunken; unshaven; toothless men with guns just seems wrong.

I have to focus on school now. It's not that my logging into LiveJournal for the first time in ages has anything to do with a feeble ploy to stall turning in an assignment....or two...or maybe even three. Okay, it is. I"m not proud of it. I've waited so long for this.

Wow...speaking of whores....Sisters are singing Vision Thing</a>. Coincidence?

My mother went to Colorado to visit family I know nothing about and took a tour of the Celestial Seasonings headquarters. She hates tea. She thinks that because in the 60's she drank green tea like it was going out of style with the other hippies she must be a conissoure. I have no idea how to spell that and am too lazy to perform a spell check. Anyway, she went for me. To bring me back a ton of tea. That was sweet. I'm taking her to Sunday brunch tomorrow for her birthday. Don't be fooled into thinking me a good daughter in the slightest. I've been known to completely forget or even blow off birthday's. I know, it's a horrid characteristic and one I'm trying to work on. One of my many "works in progress". As long as I show up for the brunch I'm making headway right?

Kira's beginning the phase of atrocious toddler. I'll bring her through it safely. I won't let her become a monster. Although every baby instinct in her chubby little fingers tells her she should. I think the form of toddler is actually a form of schizophrenia trying to take over our brains in those formative years and it's the parents' duty to stomp it out.

O.K. I don't really. But it is hell nonetheless and I'll be happy when we've gotten past it. Although she is terribly cute during this stage. So adamant. The girl has opinions.

Must go. Manhalf home. Until later.
Saturday, May 21st, 2005
9:01 pm
Tongue Tied
I think I'm going through a pre-midlife crisis. My libido has shot up immeasurably. We're having sex multiple times a day right now. Berry is 8 years younger than me, so he's loving it. I have a secret fear that this is like a huge outburst of sexual aggression in preface to something horrible. What if I become someone who loses interest in sex period? I can't see how that could possibly happen right now.

And some days I feel old. When I do, I feel an insatiable desire to do bad things. Re-live my youth.

I need new music. I'm tired everything I've ever liked.

I need a compass.

I need to breathe.

And why am I trying to pull old high school shit in my college classes?

I need to get over this. Quickly.

I've never used a vibrator. I wonder what I'm missing.
Sunday, March 20th, 2005
8:02 pm
To B.
How is it this man can suffer the blows and still remain? I am a fiend. No really. I am a freaking psychopath. You see through it all though. You know that under it all I don't know everything. I'm not in control of anything. I'm not casually taking it all in. I find myself waiting for you to enter the room. You bring animation to my life. To everyone's. And you truly love. You have an honest, open and sincere love that can't be rivaled by anyone. Your smile brightens my day. Your round and robust laughter that can be heard down the street. It's infectuous. I don't think I've ever known anyone that can make me laugh like you do. The way you tell me stories. I want your stories now.

There aren't many men like him in the world. To have so many friends and acquaintances and yet you are always with me. Even when you're not with me you're with me. I appreciate the fact that even when you're out you stop by to check in with me. You take care of all my needs and then some. I appreciate that you don't let me ruin things. In past relationships when things were too good....too stable....I had to leave. I have always been afraid. You've managed to show me that I can accept love. I can accept the fact that someone would lay down their life for me. Would never let harm come to me and whoa to those who would try.

It's everything about you. Your strong character, your strong will, your strong presence. I love you B. And I have learned to accept your love in return. And I hope that I will never lose sight of that.

You've instilled so many things in my children as well. Things they don't even know. Things they wont know until they've grown and had their own. We all love you. And though you will never see this I will vow to try and show you all of these things I'm too proud to tell you.

We'll start with kisses.
Thursday, March 17th, 2005
7:36 pm
Loves Labour Lost
....at least it feels that way at times for a parent. I remember feeling the desire for freedom so strongly at his age. My "pre-teen". I remember the first twinges of resentment towards my parents then. Of feeling like a serf in the midst of a horrible monarchy. The beginnings of Revolution. My Revolution ran deep and strong. As an Aquarius I can seen extremely unemotional, aloof at times. However the waves of my emotion ebb and flow like waves. I see myself in him. In all of them. However, he is my Revolutionary. He will fight the good fight.
Saturday, July 31st, 2004
3:24 pm
Who's That Sleeping in my Bed?
There is still a stranger in my house. I believe he has no where to go and no money so he's milking it for all it's worth. Two more weeks possible and I'll be in my house. My little shack....of love. heh. I had to add that last part.

It's going to start out ugly. I know this. I have furniture from various times of my life in storage. Cool things...but with what I've left behind in various places throughout the years, I don't believe there's anything that matches anymore.

I'm not even quite sure I remember what's in one of my storage units (I have 2). One I haven't seen in 2 years. I do know that when I cautioned a glance once a month past I saw a mushroom growing out of a plastic bag. I shit you not. It was a mushroom with a stem that was about 6 inches tall.

Should be interesting to see what parts of my past will be thrown in the trash once this light from the future exposes my history. I don't think it would bother me a bit if every bit and piece were thrown away. All except for my kids furniture. The girls have a great room in there.

My son has decided on an Egyptian theme for his room. I bought him his first Egyptian Cat statue to start him on his journey. Bast. I've actually seen quite a few things he would love. It's better to bring him things piece by piece anyway. I wouldn't have the money to buy a completely furnished themed bedroom anyhow. Somehow though I think my children will appreciate things more though knowing that everything they have they've gotten on money they've saved on their own or that I've sacrificed something else for. Yes. I do think they know these things even at their ages. Without knowing they know it.

And my future bedroom will be Africa. Cremes and tans. Rich woods. Animals. Carved figurines. I want it earthy. The living room will be Asian as Berry loves Asian motifes. My son does to as a matter of fact. He's told me he wishes he could have been born Asian. I tell him to be happy with who he is and the fact that he can incorporate anyculture and everyculture into himself if that is in fact who he feels he is.

I think I want a Wine theme in my kitchen. It fits with my line of work. I can make it with a breath of antiquity.

I've just seen Butterfly Effect. Enjoyed it thoroughly.

I'm also reading a book called Mosquito by Gayl Jones. You simply must look Gayl Jones up on the internet and read the bizaare story of her life/husband. It's interesting. I only found out about it after looking it up myself. Wanting to find out a bit about the person who wrote this book. It's wonderful. Very different from my normal reads. I remember it being hard to get into the book at first because I didn't understand what was going on. Now that I know I almost want to begin it again immediately after I'm done so I can read it from the perspective of "someone who knows". I would if it wasn't a library book that is so overdue it's sickening. After I return it I'll go buy it. It will be the first book in my new book collection. I gave all of my books to a thrift store prior to moving last time so that I wouldn't have to move an ungodly amount of boxes filled with books. I kept a few though. My tastes have changed so much. I still love the detailed thoroughness of the Russian writers but with authors like Gayl Jones now I've grown an appreciation for a highly intelligent simplicity. They are each fascinating in their own rights.

Kira is exploring the patterns of my mother's kitchen rug. Singing songs of love to carpet. She is such a happy baby. She has so much attention with older brother's and sister's, a mother and father, two grandmother's, 2 uncles, 2 aunts and numerous cousins that she sees all the time. So different from my own life growing up as an only child knowing no one but my step father and mother. I hope she likes it as much as I would think it would have been if it were me. But when you grow up one way you find faults in that life as well. The grass is never greener on the other side. It's simply grass. Another patch of grass. But that doesn't have to be a bad thing either. The whole atmosphere of one area can be completely different from another. I live in an area of town at present where on one street people live in 6 bedroom 3 story houses while just around the corner and down the street pimps tote their hookers in front of a strip of hotels. Drug dealers sell sacks in front of liquor stores and well....I feel like I've seen it all and you can't judge any way of life. Because we're all doing what we have to do to survive. And it doesn't matter what YOU think about it anyway. Life will still move the way it moves and it will all depend on the choices you make.

I have to make better decisions. It's imperative that I grow. On that note. I'm going to go sneak a cigarette that I'm not even supposed to smoke. No one knows (save for a girl at work) that I even do that on occassion.

Better decisions Prytania.
Saturday, July 17th, 2004
12:18 pm
Dreams of shoes in airport lockers. Tabitha in England.

Music is the only way I can talk right now.
"There's nothing I can do"

I'm blasting "Preacher Man" right now.....

say he was......he was....ooh yes he was..
Bein good isn't always easy..no matter how I try...
The only one who could ever reach me........
Was the son of a Preacher Man........

Killing me softly with his song killing me softly with his song. Telling my whole life with his words...

I can't get out of bed today or get you out my way..
You know what I'm sayin you know what I mean..

Green Sally Up and Green Sally Down lift and squat gotta tear the ground.
old miss lucy's dead and gone left me here to weep and moan.

Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey
Ooh, the more I get of you, the stranger it feels yeah
Now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the grey
But did you know that when it snows
My eyes become large
And the light that you shine can't be seen?
I've been kissed by a rose on the grey
I've been kissed by a rose on the grey
And if I should fall, will it all go away?

I'm moving downtown. Crappy little house. Great location. I can walk anywhere I want. Farmer's market. Old Sac. Downtown Plaza. Southside Park. Doniel's Theatre Studio. I'll have to catch a show. Suprise. It's me.

I'm going to go download the bluesiest jazz women I can find. Only they can understand me right now. They know what I mean.
Wednesday, March 17th, 2004
6:46 pm
Untitled (Isn't that in essence....a title?)
It smells nice in the house. Cooking chops over an open flame...garlic...onions...baking in broth, butter, tarragon..
The warm kitchen wraps me in an envelope of scents.

Kira smiles adoringly at Cassandra as C babbles on and on to her about the "do's and dont's" of babyhood. {small tidbit of conversation: "Okay, so listen...you're not supposed to spit up like a donut with cream filling...it's not ladylike...and you shouldn't TOOT outloud...it's not very ladylike"} She of course is being facetious as we love to talk smack to Kira. :D

I'm an American Idol junkie. I bow down to the label and all it's connotations knowing it places me in a certain group of people but fuck it. I fit in many groups. I am a paradox. Anyway..the purpose of coming out of the AI closet is to profess my love for Fantasia. I love the broad. I'd buy a CD.

I want to learn Italian. And Latin. And Spanish. And Chinese. And French. I am not very patriotic. I admit it. I love anything non-American. Not that I despise things that ARE American. I just prefer things that aren't. Does that make me pretentious? I'm not. Not at all. I have such a strong desire to explore. However it's not practical with the life I've chosen to live with my children. Perhaps someday I will find a way to integrate the two.

Have I ever mentioned that my mother bugs the fuck out of me? God I hate saying that. She loves me. I love her. I just can't be around her. I can't even look her in the eye for fear that it may engage a conversation or for fear that she will push her face into my personal space and intrude on my thoughts. It's horrible. I'm horrible. I am guilt ridden even writing about it. She tries so hard. So hard. I cannot stand small talk or forced conversation and that's the only kind she knows how to do. I love her. I can't stand her. I can't stand myself for feeling like that.
Sunday, March 14th, 2004
9:24 am
You Love Me Long Time
I abhor searching for a job. I'm no good at it. Just interview me and I know you'll see that you must have what I can give. Bah.

Advised Berry that I never wanted to see him again. At least, not until he can come to terms with the fact that I will be dealing with my "ex" husband with regards to my children for the rest of my life. He can't stand having another man talk to me. At least, not a man I've shared so much with and will have a bond with forever.

Needless to say 13 hours later I gave into his promises. He will find a way to supress the evil jealousies that are always threatening him. 14 hours later I was butter in his hands. 15 hours later I was lost in his scent, his sweat, his hips. 16 hours later I was quiet as a babe. Sleeping soundly for perhaps the first time in days.

Sunday, March 7th, 2004
4:03 am
After reading some friends journals, I actually feel compelled to post. :D After commenting to a journaler on baby stuff, I realized what a freak I am now.


Twenty seven poses in 27 seconds.
I have cheap plastic cameras loaded with 27.
Twenty seven poses in 27 seconds.

I poke her and kiss her tummy and talk softly in her ear.
All for 27.
Twenty seven poses in 27 seconds.


I really do have loads of cameras full of pictures to process of her. Many that I took all in one evening.

Today turned out to be a beautiful day. I live in a largely Asian community and took my daughters to an Asian mall to go shopping with me. I bought an elephant, a lucky strand of jade, some hair products, temporary tattoos and mini-radios. Oh, I bought Kira a Plum Blossom Qi Pao or at least it's similar. Sleevless and two piece with a skirt. It has more detail on it as well. We went to Lollicup for tea and Goldilocks for a wonderful lunch.

The sidewalk herbalist gave me herbal prescriptions for my diabetic malady.

Afterwards we went to McKinley Park. We fed the squirrels sunflower seeds. At one point there were 5 squirrels at my feet waiting for seeds. We fed the ducks. Cleo was chased by a rather dodgey goose. Bad goose. The children played in the playground and I watched the blossoms on the trees sway in the wind. I watched the pond ripple. I watched Kira's hair ruffle.

As the sun set we began to leave....yet we were all pulled by the sound of drumming and flutes, maraccas (spelling?) and tambourines. The next thing I knew my children were playing in a rather large drumming circle. They played all the instruments. These all appeared to be ex-hippies who probably did too much acid and wished the 60's never ended.....but it was wonderful. My kids had bottles of bubbles on necklaces around their necks that we brought from home...so while the woman with marraccas was dancing and spinning around the circle in her bare feet in the grass, my daughters would pause from beating the drums to blow bubbles at her. Well, you can bet they loved that. I sat in the cool grass with Kira in my arms as my daughters played the flutes, the tambourines, the bongos with a melting pot of cultures and people. I was proud.

And I know that my children will remember this day. I couldn't have planned a more perfect day. In fact, the spontenaity of it is what made it so priceless. We were 4 women of the world doing whatever our hearts desired and we didn't give a fuck what anyone thought of us for doing it.

I love being a cheesy, sentimental, over-emotional, bitchy, self-rightous, powerful, energetic, mysterious, beautiful, loving, creative woman. And I love being around the three most beautiful girls in the world.

Friday, February 27th, 2004
11:10 am
Jello Smiles
I love just staring into the black abyss of her eyes. I watch and smile as she gazes raptly back at me. Soon enough she will begin to slightly raise her eyebrows, her lids will open ever so slightly more and I can actually feel the moment we lock into eachother. When she stops moving for a moment, stops breathing for a moment, stops the quiet descent of lashes on cheek and for just a moment...I know that I am all she can see as is she for me. The world spins just a little slower for a brief moment and then....success...the eyes begin to crinkle, the cheeks begin to lift, the glassy stare to brighten, and she smiles like she's never smiled before. Or maybe she has. Maybe it's just that each and every time is like the first time I've ever seen her. She with her mocha skin, her shiny black hair curling ever so delicately over her silken forehead. And just when I thought we couldn't be more gooey, more syrupy, more cheesily in love with eachother.......she coos. In her sweet sing-song voice she coos a voice of love. Of welcome to me. My eyes begin to water as I respond in the worst baby talk anyone has ever heard. The kind of baby talk that would make even the most resolute countenance grimace in disgust. The sickly sweet baby to mama talk that only a mother can love or understand (and still I make gag fingers at any other person who does this....but not until I've shared a knowing half smile with the gross offender).

And now. After all this bliss......

I'm off to change her dijon jello diaper. Choice.
Friday, February 20th, 2004
8:23 pm
Tell me Lies.
Something about red meat. I hate cooking it from it's raw state. If I were to come in after someone's begun the cooking and it's already slightly browned I'm cool. However in attempting to cook my fajita (sans carbs) I'm becoming more and more grossed out and just wish the whole thing were over so I can move on.

I wonder if the neighbors can hear me when B and I are making love.

Kira is becoming darker. She is no pale angel (snarf) such as myself. She's turning mocha. Beautiful girl. She'll find me in a room no matter where I am and fixate on me in order to fall asleep. When she smiles in her sleep I wonder if she's smiling at me.

Back to the food topic.....I'm growing an aversion to food. This is a good thing as I'm losing pregnancy weight, but it's odd thinking of food on survival terms instead of as a pleasurable experience. Eat drink and be merry. No more. I think I'm becoming healthier. I don't smoke, drink and I'm almost through with the occasional cannibus to sleepus.

I need water.

What is there to write that hasn't been written before? What is it I wish to accomplish with this? I don't read back on entries. Past is past. I feel no sense of great relief coming here to ramble about my deeds. It seems I'm temporarily shut off from feelings about any particular subject that doesn't have to do with carbs sooooooo....

I'd be the date from hell.

I saw a Dave Matthews video on MTV that blew my mind. I didn't even know I liked that guy.

Oh. There is one thing. I ran from an interview today (I'm returning to the work-force) because I'm petrified at the thought of being removed from Kira for 8 hours. Not because I don't trust anyone. Not because I'll worry. Simply because I'll miss her. 8 hours is a long time. I cried just thinking of it.

And can someone tell me why Fleetwood Mac's "Little Lies" is running through my head? (Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies...tell me liiieeeess. Oh no no you can't disguise...)
Thursday, February 12th, 2004
12:30 pm
A few thoughts...
I hardly ever update this anymore. I suppose it's because I'm taking care of Kira, or Berry's here, or I simply have been using my little bit of "free time" for other endeavors lately. Like sleep!

Things are moving along rather smoothly...aside from an earache and beginning the horrible JOB SEARCH, nothing could be better.

All I want to write about is sex because I can't believe I'm having so much of it and the QUALITY of it is quite astounding lately. So that's why I'm just not going to write right now. Unfortunately I'm not in the mood to talk about it right now. I never have the computer on when I want to talk about these things. It takes so long to load up and all. Oh well. These things I don't need to write about. Much better to experience at the moment. When I'm in one of my more reflective moods perhaps I'll think back with dreamy qualities on the sensuousness..the passionate way we make love. (I almost slipped into a mood there.) Not today. Today I need to sleep off this earache. Ouch.
Monday, February 9th, 2004
10:55 am
"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to
serve as a horrible warning. " - Jennifer Unlimited
Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
5:40 pm
Blue Notes
Today was so strange. It started out well enough and went quickly downhill from there. Let me just start out by saying I know I haven't been the most faithful person in the past. I began with the best intentions (you know what they say about that now). Really though...in my marriage it was damned near 9 years before I began my infidelities and that only because I couldn't bear to allow myself to believe that my marriage was truly over. In fact, I had convinced myself that having my affairs (2 men and 1 woman all of which I was having deep, meaningful relationships with in their own rights) was completely fine and that I could, in fact, continue in this way forever. However, I had remained faithful for 9 years because I had truly given myself to my husband, totally and completely, and it wasn't until I came to realize that I was not getting anything in return....that I was doing all the giving and had not recieved a whole helluva lot of anything in that time that I finally began to wander. Still wanting to keep the marriage together.

So I began with the admission that I've had a spotted past. I've been completely and totally honest with Berry from the beginning about my discrepencies (leaving out ALOT) but letting him know the basics of the "why's" and "wherefors" of my actions so that he could gain a deeper knowledge of me as I have done so myself. Now I realize that with this knowledge might also come questionings as to my character now, but after almost 2 years of being with Berry have so believed my actions have vouched for my integrity at every twist and turn. That I have, unlike previous relationships, grown to love Berry over time rather than "stuck" at the gate so to speak. I can truly say that I have never loved Berry more than I do now at any other time in our relationship.

So....given all of that something odd happened today. I had gone to Berrys place after dropping my children off at school and we headed to the store. After returning to his house, as we were getting out of the car, he picked up a man's leather glove from the floor of the passenger seat of my car. Berry has very large hands and this glove was even larger than his. Now I'd never seen this glove, had not had anyone in my car, it wasn't his and I can't say who's it is or where it came from...but the next thing you know Berry's freaking out over the entire matter.

So an argument ensues and fast forward to the end...I told him that I understood how the entire thing must look, but that he was just going to have to trust in me. That he was going to have to look inside and think about how he feels about me and my character with regards to himself and he was just going to have to trust me.

I'm weary of the entire thing. I don't feel like writing the entire incident now as it is so long and I've already written enough.....

To make a long story short....Berry, after much grunting, throwing of things in his room (while I was out of it) and crying let me know that he was just going to "let this go" as he couldn't do anything but believe in what I say. I begrudgingly had to accept this (inside I'm upset that we're just dropping it while knowing he is still struggling with believing me inside himself) and we went back to my place and had awesome sex...twice...before picking up my children from school.

All in all, I think the argument was good for us as it brought some heady issues up and it is a conflict that we overcame and that, of course, is always good.

Yet I can't help but have that entire feeling tinged with sadness. I have an empty feeling at the end of it all and I'm doing my best to just "let it go" as Berry has outwardly done so that I too can move on without turning this into something more drastic then it has to be.

Perhaps when this day is done and we've slept and moved onto the next it will seem as if it has never happened. Sweet sleep erase the unease of the day.

If You Don't Know Me By Now

*If you don't know me by now
You'll never, never, never know me

All the things that we've been through
You should understand me
Like I understand you
Now baby I know the difference
Between right and wrong
I ain't gonna do nothin'
To upset our happy home
Oh, don't get so excited
When I comee home a little late at night
Cause we only act like children
When we argue, fuss and fight

(Repeat *)

We all got our own funny moods
I've got mine
Woman, you got yours too
Just trust in me
Like I trust in you
As long as we've been together
That should be so easy to do
Just get yourself together
Or we might as well say good-bye
What good is a love affair
When we can't see eye-to-eye

(Repeat *)

Harold Melvin The Blue Notes~
Sunday, January 18th, 2004
12:54 pm
I ALWAYS save LJ for last on my "hurry up and do something quick while baby is quiet to-do-list". So WHYYYYY is it I get to read about 2 entries every time before I have to get off?? Hmmm...wonders never cease.

Saturday, January 10th, 2004
11:33 am
Better Than Chocolate
One of the many wonderful things about having a baby and, I feel, is one of the concepts that deserves a helluva lot more play than it currently gets......is sex! Glorious GOOD sex again!! I'm talkin' about in-your-face knock down drag out S-E-X. I forgot how GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD our sex life was. It's been so long. I mean...we had sex, even towards the end of my pregnancy...but it just is NOT the same. I still have a crap load of weight to lose before I get back to normal...but it feels so sexy to just be able to move how I want to. We fit together perfectly again. How can I help but lose myself in it? It hasn't been quite the six weeks I was supposed to wait....but DAMN I had recuperated by the next day pretty much anyway and I know my body. And it told me it was time. And I listened. And it was goooooooooooood. This is my verbal "happy dance". Would this entry have sound it would sing a concerto.

So I know I'm being cheesy. I feel cheesy. And I don't give a fuuuUUuuuckkkkkkk. Cuz I feel good. Ode to Berry:

I feel good, I knew that I would, now
I feel good, I knew that I would, now
So good, so good, I got you

I feel nice, like sugar and spice
I feel nice, like sugar and spice
So nice, so nice, I got you

When I hold you in my arms
I know that I can't do no wrong
and when I hold you in my arms
My love won't do you no harm

And I feel nice, like sugar and spice
I feel nice, like sugar and spice
So nice, so nice, I got you

When I hold you in my arms
I know that I can't do no wrong
and when I hold you in my arms
My love can't do me no harm

And I feel nice, like sugar and spice
I feel nice, like sugar and spice
So nice, so nice, well I got you

I feel good, I knew that I would, now
I feel good, I knew that I would
So good, so good, 'cause I got you
So good, so good, 'cause I got you
So good, so good, 'cause I got you

James Brown~
Monday, December 29th, 2003
9:09 am
So I said I'd create a detailed post on labor and delivery. To be honest...I don't really feel like it. It's over! I mean really she's here..is there anything else that needs to be said? But for the fact that I am trying to document my colossal events (however un-colossal they actually are)(oh and yes it's my journal so I reserve the right to freely make up new words and spellings as I see fit). Where was I? Oh, so documenting and all....I need to do it. I've had this damned journal for nigh on 2 years now. Perhaps if the site never disappears I'll have it in 18 years and will have extrapolated all the pages relevent to Kira and put them in some leatherbound home-made scrapbook type thing with parchment paper and pictures.




I said I was going to do something. Did you catch that? It'll never happen. But perhaps I'll remember to print off this page on her 18th birthday if I put it in my "Memories" section, that way she'll know I thought of it and maybe she'll even have a modicum of will power sans laziness to do it her damn self!!!!! Yes! That's it! Eureka!

Big long Birth Story and other miscellaneous ramblingsCollapse )
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